Shutting Down Shame: How to Overcome Feelings of Inadequacy
Shame is a horrendous consequence of trauma. Its poison is potent, and the lies we believe about ourselves because of shame can hold us back from living a truly fulfilling life – the life God desires for each of us.
One year to celebrate my birthday, I invited several friends and a mentor of mine over for brunch. This mentor of mine was also a published author, who gifted me a Bible edition focused on motherhood in which she’d written several excerpts. A week later, she suggested that I read the section about shame that she’d penned in this particular Bible. At first, I didn't understand why she made that suggestion, but I trusted her leading and followed up on her suggestion.
The section was about ways that shame affects the relationship between parents and children. As I read the section, I initially saw myself as the child experiencing shame, but I quickly dismissed it, thinking that I had already dealt with those feelings.
However, a few weeks later, I started noticing the word "shame" everywhere. It seemed like God was trying to show me something. I went back to the Bible my mentor had given me and reread the section she’d written on shame. This time, it hit me differently as the words seemed to leap off the page in a way they hadn’t before. I suddenly recognized all the anguish and grief I was parenting out of, trying desperately to make up for the mistakes and regrets of the past.
The Roots of Shame
Shame can manifest in different ways, often without our awareness that what really is driving us is shame. Shame is different from guilt: guilt says “I made a mistake,” while shame says “I am a mistake.”
Sometimes shame a result of our own choices and actions that we're embarrassed about. We may struggle to receive forgiveness for our guilt, and end up living in shame. Other times, shame stems from experiences of harm or abuse inflicted by others. In either case, we feel defective or deficient, unworthy of belonging and love.
Regardless of the source, shame causes us to hide and compensate in various ways. Isolating and escaping are obvious forms of hiding, but performing and perfectionism are also masks used to camouflage ourselves from shame. We use these methods to keep others from knowing and seeing us, from being able to assess us and our flaws. We may even hide from God, unsure of whether or not He really accepts us. All of this prevents us from living as God created us to live – free and flourishing, with Him and with one another.
Though shame is very difficult to lift off of ourselves, Jesus died to set us free from shame – by enduring the shame of the cross.
Hebrews 12:2 says of Jesus, “For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” While it is not hard to recognize that Jesus’ crucifixion was intensely humiliating, there’s a deeper level of shame that was being heaped upon Him that is exposed in the reading of the Old Testament. In Deuteronomy 21:22, we read that criminals convicted of capital crimes were ordered to be executed by being “hung on a tree” – these same words are used to describe Jesus’ crucifixion in the book of Acts. Deuteronomy 21:23 goes on to state that those who were executed in this manner were considered to be cursed by God. That means the Jewish onlookers of the crucifixion would have seen Jesus not as the Son of God but a man cursed by God, directly contradicting his true identity.
Likewise, shame distorts the truth about ourselves, telling us the exact opposite of what God says about us.
Shame says we are unlovable; God says we are beloved. Shames says we are unwanted; God says we are chosen. Shame says we are failures; God says in Him we are overcomers.
Overcoming Shame
There is only one way to overcome shame – we have to face it.
I know that’s easier said than done. It requires us to confront a lot pain that often seems better left hidden, and we may not know how deep the hole really goes. However, we can trust that God knows and cares for us deeply, and anything He allows to be uncovered is for the purpose of our being healed and set free. He wants to reveal the layers of shame gently and lead you to a place of wholeness and restoration.
I offer individualized breakthrough sessions to facilitate this process of confronting and healing from shame. You can learn more about the journey of healing from shame by listening to The Truth and Our Trauma Podcast episode 178, “Telling Shame to Shut Up.”